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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Humorous Church Names Reposted for Fun

“What’s in a name? A rose is a rose by any other name.”
—William Shakespeare

My friend and mentor, Bob Logan has an unusual collection. He collects church names he has come across in his travels over the years. Here are some actual names of churches he has encountered in his journey (with some commentary from yours truly):

  • Accident Baptist Church is obviously not Calvinist.
  • First Church of the Last Chance World on Fire Revival and Military Academy (in Dade City FL). These folks have the first and last word on just about any subject. I don’t even want to ask what sort of military they are training.
  • Greater Second Baptist Church in Chattanooga, TN, stands in contrast, I guess, to the not so great second Baptist church around the corner?
  • For those who do not want to commit all the way, you can go to the Halfway Baptist Church. On the other hand, Hell Hole Swamp Baptist Church in South Carolina is not a seeker sensitive church by any stretch of the imagination. You have to be really committed to attend this church; none of those “Halfway Baptists” will be found here. Of course everyone is welcome at Faith Free Lutheran. Like “sugar free” this is a church that contains no calories, convictions…or miracles.
  • Little Hope Baptist Church sounds a tad better than another church called No Hope United Methodist Church. Kind of makes you sad just saying it.
  • My personal favorite church name: Original Church of God, Number 2. I really can’t think of anything to add that could possibly be funnier than the name itself…except for perhaps number 3.
  • Boring Seventh Day Adventist Church is another one of those “truth in advertising” names, but this church goes the extra mile because the name of their pastor is Elder Dull. Perhaps there are more exciting ways to spend your Saturday?
  • Harmony Baptist Church in East Texas is a name that doesn’t sound so bad. The funny thing is that it is only a half-mile away from Harmony Baptist Church #2. I guess they are not so harmonious after all.
  • Battle Ground Baptist Church…aren’t they all?
  • Waterproof Baptist Church in Louisiana begs the question: does the baptism count if you’re water repellant?
  • Country Club Christian Church is in Kansas City, but you’re actually likely to find some of these in every city. This may be the fastest growing model of church in America.
  • James Bond United Community Church in Toronto, is of course “shaken, not stirred.” St. Martini Lutheran Church in Milwaukee, WI, is also shaken, and not stirred and comes with an olive or a twist of lemon if you prefer. Of course the Lutherans can actually drink a Martini so I guess it isn’t such a stretch to name your church after one, or is it.
  • When Paul spoke of being all things to all people I doubt that he had this in mind: First United Separated Baptist Church. This church in Indiana needs to decide which it is, united or separated?
  • Hell For Certain is a church in Kentucky but for some reason they do not have too many visitors, no one wants to go there. Does their advertisement in the yellow pages read: Go to Hell For Certain, Sunday at 10 AM? There is also Hell Seventh Day Adventist Church, which is in Hell, MI. You could say: people are dying to go there!
  • Lover's Lane Episcopal Church is a very open church, but watch out if someone wants to show you the submarine races in the baptismal pool…their Episcopal, they sprinkle.

11 comments:

Cristina said...

We have a church down here in FL called "Mary, Queen of the Universe." Not sure how they arrived at that conclusion, though...

Neil Cole said...

There is a church near me called Our Lady of Mount Carmel. I'm left wondering if they mean Jezzebel, who is the only lady I'm familiar with in that Biblical story.

Will Rochow said...

I became really confused when we moved into this community and saw a "Buddhist Church." Hmm. If I remember my Systematic Theology correctly, I'm sure there is no such thing as a Buddhist Christian ;)

MaggieMraz said...

There is a church in Durham, NC called The New Aggressive Church of Deliverance. It just leaves me w/ so many questions.

Todd T said...

In Louisiana, we have Eros Baptist Church (in Eros, LA). A few miles to the west is Strange Methodist Church. Alabama has Burnout Baptist Church.

Truth is often stranger than fiction.

Colin Walmsley said...

Here in the UK we have Bare Methodist Church...they have a Ladies Choir...

There's also a place in Scotland called Cults - they have an International Church of Cults!

Geoff Surratt said...

I'm still a big fan of the Flippin Church of God in Flippin, Arkansas

Jeffrey Pinyan said...

Churches named for Mary as "Queen" are based on an early Christian belief originating in the Jewish principle that the mother of the king is the queen. Rather than the first (or the latest) or the youngest (or the oldest) wife of the king, it was the king's mother (he's only got one of those) who is queen. Solomon is a good example of this, since he had so many wives, yet it was to Bathsheba his mother that he showed honor and gave a throne at his. (1 Kgs 1:19)

The Old Testament refers to this queen-mother (gebirah, mother of the king and not of the queen) a handful of times: 1 Kgs 11:19; 1 Kgs 15:13; 2 Kgs 10:13; Jer 13:18; Jer 29:2. The Davidic kings in southern Israel (Judah) consistently had their mothers named with them in 1-2 Kings.

So how is Mary "Queen of the Universe"? Simply put, she's the mother of Jesus, King of kings, King of the universe.

Jeffrey Pinyan said...

"Our Lady of Mount Carmel" is also a church dedicated to Mary (certainly, definitely not Jezebel!).

The name originated in the late 12th or early 13th century with Christian hermits who were living on Mount Carmel. These hermits eventually founded the "Carmelite order", a particular religious way of living the Gospel.

These hermits on Carmel considered the Blessed Virgin Mary to be their patroness, and had a chapel erected in her honor (and to the glory of God, of course!). Using the medieval language of the time, they considered Mary to be their "Lady" (having Jesus as their "Lord"); they called her the "Lady of Mount Carmel", like one might speak of the "Lord of Beverly Manor".

Angela Santana said...

Neil, I have been to Mount Carmel in the Holy Land. Yes, check out Jeffrey's comment. Also see this for general info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Our_Lady_of_Mount_Carmel

Jeffrey Pinyan said...

I had a second comment (which may have gotten lost in the ether somewhere) about "Mary, Queen of the Universe."

The short version is: in the Kingdom of Israel (and of Judah), the mother of the king (and not any of his wives) is the queen. Jesus is the King of kings, King of the universe, etc., and Mary is His mother. Thus, Mary is Queen.